You guys are spoiling me. Three new comments between yesterday and today. I had planned on watching the last two episodes of Man in the High Castle, then Kevin told me he’s working on a bench with his buddy and to watch something else. I’m sure there is a chick flick or something ridiculous he’d hate to watch with me, I’ll find that soon. While I’m waiting for him to vacate to the garage I figured I’d avoid the snide remarks over my ridiculous choice and see if there were any comments. To my surprise there were, so here we are… more rambling (and waiting…. move to the garage already dang-it).
My mind’s been churning over my ‘do more, enjoy less’ vs. ‘enjoy more, do less’ conundrum. Apparently its impossible to hide life style change decisions from the person your living with, so of-course Kevin picked up on it after 30 seconds. Also, because he’s techy and figured out what app I downloaded. So while mildly lamenting the fact that the portion on my dinner plate looked more appropriate for Selah than myself, as my four men gobbled about 4 tacos each, Kevin saw fit to remind me this is the beginning of the end of each of my efforts. My inability to focus on anything other than what I don’t get. It’s true. The ice cream and chocolate have been at the top of my mind, still, all day. Kevin assures me he’ll take care of that for me. A real knight in shining armor, that one. Rather than being relieved, however, its resentment that wants to take its place instead.
So how do I get my head right? How do I shift my perspective, to view this entire endeavor as something fun, something I ‘get’ to do, rather than the joy sucker I’ve made it out to be?
Seriously. I come up blank every time. People talk about runner’s high’s and I want to punch them (no offense Rach… I’m gonna try to get there, especially if you’ll come up here to do it with me). Kevin and I can’t run together at all because I kinda want to kick him in the shins every time he tries to encourage me to go a littler further, push it a little harder. In my head all I can think is I’m dying right now, I physically think a lung will burst any second, and my legs will collapse beneath me, and you want MORE?!?
When I blog, psychoanalysis is literally at my fingertips (get it… keyboard…. I kill myself sometimes), I know it all stems back to my complete aversion toward anything I can’t immediately excel at. When I feel weak, I feel worthless. It’s not right, but its true. It’s when all the demons come out to play in my head, and no amount of quoting inspirational ideas or scripture will lock them back up.
Another part of my problem, as one of those nice little ‘come back to the gym adds’ pointed out to me today, is my unrealistic expectations. I’ve bought in, hook line and sinker, to the crap the world is selling. I want to do this little life style change and suddenly look like a runway model. The ad’s say I can in as little as 30 minutes a day, the shakes make their promises, I can rub lotion on my cellulite and stretchmarks and after the 3rd application I should barely see them. So when a week, two, three, or four, of masochism, membership fees, and hours of my life don’t make a dent, the fight floats out of my sales and I curl up in my chair with my sleeve of oreo’s and the remote.
Clearly vanity is not the motivating factor that will make this stick.
Kevin appeals to health. I get that. I want to be active, have energy, to be able to really BE present in my life. Do more, Enjoy more. Maybe a revision to my mantra? I don’t want to be that elderly person that get’s cranky because people are too loud, or moving too fast someone might get hurt. My grandpa was water-skiing at 78 years old. THAT is what I want to set myself up for. My grandma’s motto “ya’ gotta grab the gusto honey”. They went for an evening walk after dinner every single night of their lives (or close). It’s not that I have to join cross-fit and juice kale, but finding a balance between that and my couch/cookie routine will NEED to occur if I’m gonna be grabbing the gusto at 78.
Baumps and AJ heading in for a swim at Holland State Park this summer during our visit back to Michigan.
Still Grabbing the Gusto…. with their GREAT grandchildren 🙂
That’s all I got for now… AND they finally went to the garage, so even if I can’t stuff my face with goodies, I can watch mindless T.V 🙂 One vice at a time peeps, one at a time. Love y’all!